January 23, 2013 § 14 Comments

Well, my friends. I’m here.

I don’t like it. In fact, I’ve dragged myself here kicking a screaming. No offense, infertility world. Joining your ranks is not something I have been looking forward to doing. I’m sad. I’m hopeless. I’m angry. I’m angry at my body for betraying me by not performing (with ease and grace) one of it’s primary functions. That’s right. I’m infertile.

My husband and I have been trying to create a small being, using the usual method, for 12 full months. I’ve been reading blogs by other infertiles for the last 3 of those months, hoping that I would not feel the need to create this place. Ever. But, here I am. Here we are.

I’m doing this because I need a place to talk out my emotions. And because I need a community. And because I (selfishly) want a place to one day display a beautiful pregnant belly to people who know how difficult this road has been for us.

You can call me Lentil for now. I’m 29 years old. I currently live in the midwest. (But over the years I’ve lived in the deep south, on the east coast, and in New England, as well.) I’ve been a graduate student for four and a half years. (I think that I’m nearing the end, thank god, and that in the next two years, I will be compensated for my blood, sweat, and tears.) I have a husband, who we’ll call The Artsy Engineer. We have two very spoiled (not small at all) dogs who sleep in our bed. We’re vegetarians. The Artsy Engineer plays instruments and is an incredible cook. I like to take pictures and read fiction in my downtime (of which there is little). We also like to travel. A lot. But we don’t have much money right now. Or time (see above student status).

I will talk about all of these things in this space. And I will also talk about how my body has betrayed me. Despite well-timed sex and no identifiable problems with either of our reproductive parts, we have conceived only once in the last 12 months. And then, three months ago, I had a miscarriage on my 29th birthday. All that’s left to say is this: this shit sucks.



§ 14 Responses to Introductions.

  • bornbyariver says:

    Welcome! I miscarried on Christmas after 2 years of trying so I understand a bit of what you are going through. Writing helps.

    • Thank you! I’ve always hoped writing would help. I have a tendency to talk about it when I’m upset about something. Perhaps a little too much, according to those who are on the receiving end of it.

  • Jules says:

    I began my blog as therapy for our infertility journey. We tried for 3 years, lots of interventions, a miscarriage… and happily just welcomed our daughter this past November (who I still regard as a total beautiful miracle baby). I look forward to following your journey and agree that having an outlet like a blog is so helpful, and this community is amazingly supportive!

  • Risa says:

    I came here kicking and screaming too. But it has changed my life. I thought “I was the only one” because EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant. Here, I have found so many wonderful women who truly know everything I go though. Welcome to the IF blogging world 🙂

    • ohmygoodness. Thank you for the warm welcome. I’m beyond tickled to have stumbled across you and the rest of these women. I finally feel some camaraderie in this process. And thank god. Over a year with none is much too long!

  • anniesamess says:

    welcome as well. i just brought myself to the infertility cyberspace this year too, after three years of trying. you’re right, it sucks. it’s also nice to fine a place to say that, so welcome again.

  • bustedoven says:

    Hi, lamentingthelentil, I came over after reading your sweet comment on my blog. As much as it sucks to be in this position, it’s really nice to find others who are in the same spot. I’m so excited to root for you and follow your journey!

  • God, reading your post I had forgotten how I came kicking and screaming into infertility, too. I really did not want to be here! Still don’t.

    This a.m. I met another woman at my clinic who was on clomid and we were exchanging stories and I told her i was nearing the end of my 2nd cycle and she was genuinely surprised and said it scared her and she never wanted to do it but she thought I was so brave (ha!).

    It’s funny how IF just creeps up on you. And you start with the gateway stuff like clomid, vowing all the while never to do the hard stuff and then bam: you’re jabbing yourself with needles 😉

    Looking forward to following along, supporting you and celebrating when you get that pregnant belly!

    • This is amazing. Thanks for understanding the process (so few outside of this blogging community do!), and thanks for the encouragement. And Clomid/Femara are totally the marijuana of the infertility drug world. Perfect metaphor.

  • just caught up on your posts – sorry to blog stalk you today, but I love your voice and this intro post is almost VERBATIM what mine looked like 2 years ago (on a now defunct blog). Yes, we don’t want to be here, but the support of strangers and that whole “we’re in this together” really does help. It helps in ways that the fertile world, despite their best intentions, really cannot.

    Looking forward to your inevitable success and pregnant belly pics in the near future.

    • Thank you thank you thank you. The only writing that anyone has ever read of mine has been scientific writing. This is much scarier to share! I so very much appreciate the compliment and the kind, welcoming words!

  • eph525 says:

    I am with you. I wish I wasn’t here either. But I hope that you can find some comfort in getting your thoughts down in cyberspace. So sorry about the birthday miscarriage. That’s awful.

  • Jane Allen says:

    I know you don’t want to be here, but welcome aboard! IF is shitty, but blogging helps a lot. My story is similar, finally a BFP naturally after one year if trying only to result in a miscarriage. We’ve been on the ‘do we try on our own vs starting treatment’ fence, going with treatment as A. We suck trying on our own and B. I can’t handle missing a month because we screwed up the timing. Good luck to you!

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