January 23, 2013 § 14 Comments
Well, my friends. I’m here.
I don’t like it. In fact, I’ve dragged myself here kicking a screaming. No offense, infertility world. Joining your ranks is not something I have been looking forward to doing. I’m sad. I’m hopeless. I’m angry. I’m angry at my body for betraying me by not performing (with ease and grace) one of it’s primary functions. That’s right. I’m infertile.
My husband and I have been trying to create a small being, using the usual method, for 12 full months. I’ve been reading blogs by other infertiles for the last 3 of those months, hoping that I would not feel the need to create this place. Ever. But, here I am. Here we are.
I’m doing this because I need a place to talk out my emotions. And because I need a community. And because I (selfishly) want a place to one day display a beautiful pregnant belly to people who know how difficult this road has been for us.
You can call me Lentil for now. I’m 29 years old. I currently live in the midwest. (But over the years I’ve lived in the deep south, on the east coast, and in New England, as well.) I’ve been a graduate student for four and a half years. (I think that I’m nearing the end, thank god, and that in the next two years, I will be compensated for my blood, sweat, and tears.) I have a husband, who we’ll call The Artsy Engineer. We have two very spoiled (not small at all) dogs who sleep in our bed. We’re vegetarians. The Artsy Engineer plays instruments and is an incredible cook. I like to take pictures and read fiction in my downtime (of which there is little). We also like to travel. A lot. But we don’t have much money right now. Or time (see above student status).
I will talk about all of these things in this space. And I will also talk about how my body has betrayed me. Despite well-timed sex and no identifiable problems with either of our reproductive parts, we have conceived only once in the last 12 months. And then, three months ago, I had a miscarriage on my 29th birthday. All that’s left to say is this: this shit sucks.