Today everything feels like it sucks

February 24, 2013 § 15 Comments

It’s weird. I had a really good night last night. I attended a fancy work* party with my supervisors and my supervisors’ supervisors. At this work party, I got some pretty good feedback about my performance. People were making comments like, “when we have a student we really like, we try to do everything we can to create positions for them within the department when the time comes for them to get a job.” So, yeah, last night I was feeling pretty good about myself. Last night, things were looking up in the world.

Then for some reason, today everything is wrong. I lie. I know the reason. I have all of these symptoms that I know I can’t pay attention to because I’m on progesterone. My boobs are sore and huge. Or, huge for me, which is still tiny (I like to use the term “perky”). Yesterday afternoon, I took only the second nap I have taken in my entire adult life. My chart is revealing this beautiful triphasic pattern. But. I am 12 dpo on my first medicated cycle. I didn’t test today because I tested yesterday and the day before (at 10 and 11 dpo) and both were negative, and I just didn’t want to see that shit again. Actually, they both had really faint second lines, but that means nothing because of the trigger shot I took less than two weeks ago. And the 11 dpo test was lighter than the 11 dpo test. So, negative.

Oddly enough, despite all of my initial optimism, I wrote this cycle off right after ovulation. I had no good reason to do this, aside from the fact that I am not a person who gets lucky. And I would have to get really lucky to get pregnant on my first medicated cycle. So, in my head, I’ve been looking ahead to the next round of treatment.

And, poor Artsy Engineer. I think this glass-all-the-fucking-way-empty attitude of mine has weighed heavily on him. And now in addition to feeling shitty about not being pregnant, I feel guilty for killing The Artsy Engineer’s hopes. And we’re both really concerned about finances. I make nothing, and The Artsy Engineer works for the state (and so makes just next to nothing). Our insurance does not cover anything related to fertility treatments, including ultrasounds. Just a simple, old cycle with nothing but Femara costs us nearly $500.

The Artsy Engineer and I took the dogs on a walk today. It was really nice out, especially for February in Wisconsin. The sun was out in full force and it actually felt kind of warm when it hit you. But, I was cranky the minute I woke up this morning. Not irritable, really; just pouty. A real Debbie Downer. Sometimes when I get like this, The Artsy Engineer gets pissed at me. Which is understandable. Even from the inside, I can tell that it creates a far from pleasant home environment. Anyway, we were walking. I brought up having to drop another $500 this week for treatments, and The Artsy Engineer pulled a surprising one on me.

It went something like this:

Artsy Engineer: Truthfully, Lentil, I am just not clear on how all of this is helping. We were able to get pregnant on our own back in October. That makes it seem to me that our problem is just a lot of bad luck and poor timing or something. I don’t see the point of these treatments if we did it ourselves once. It would be different if you were not ovulating on your own, but you are.

Me: What. The Hell. Are you saying? I thought we were both excited and hopeful about this next step. Are you hinting at wanting to pull the plug?

Artsy Engineer: Yeah, kind of. Nobody seems able to tell us why exactly this medication is worthwhile in our situation. And I am not one to just trust a doctor because she’s a doctor.

Me: Okay. You’re right. I have no fucking idea why it was recommended. Nobody has said, “Lentil, your eggs will be healthier if they don’t have to wait around in there for an extra week, which will lead to greater likelihood of pregnancy and less likelihood of miscarriages.” It was just recommended. And this is what I assumed. And we both seemed to think it was the right move.

Artsy Engineer: Well, I don’t know if I buy it anymore.

Great. Now look what I did. In all of pessimism, I finally rubbed enough of it off on my always optimistic husband. And, he is absolutely right. I don’t know the justification for this treatment. I don’t know why it was recommended. I feel like I’m just blindly following advice, which is not my style. My RE hasn’t really given me any more than “sometimes it can be helpful, so we will try this first.” Despite a long list of questions that I have in my head, whenever I actually go to the RE and she is finishing up and asking if I have any additional questions, I panic, forget everything, and tell her “no.”

And this also made me realize that he has definitely not come as far as I have in the process of accepting that what we are dealing with here is infertility. To him, it is still some combination of bad luck and sub-par effort or knowledge or something. If we could only figure out what it is we are doing wrong, we can fix it.

My blood hCG test is first thing in the morning, and I am not at all hopeful. I just want to stop putting progesterone into my vagina so I can get on with the next round.

______________________________________

* I don’t actually have a paying job. That would be too much to ask. I’m taking part in clinical training for my degree, which takes up many, many hours in my week and is unpaid. Yes. It is ridiculous.

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§ 15 Responses to Today everything feels like it sucks

  • Ladyblogalot says:

    Okay, so I think he’s not turned into being pessimistic. I think it’s awesome that he’s taking an interest and wanting to know the reasons behind the medical stuff and not just leaving it all to you. And so much of this stuff is worth questioning… could he go to the next appointment with you?

  • SM says:

    Hate it when this crap affects our significant others. Somehow, seeing their disappointment and pessimism is worse than feeling our own. Sending hugs your way!

  • Reese says:

    Hi from ICLW. Sorry everything sucks today. I am definitely the less optimistic one in my relationship too, while he is the hopeful, happy-when-its-crappy, optimistic one. It always freaks me out a bit when I manage to drag him into my pessimistic state of mind every once in awhile. I don’t blame him, but it makes me feel frightened. I feel like things must be really bad if he’s not being optimistic and my cycle of anxiety and stress just perpetuates itself.

    On another note…I loved the video of the Artsy Engineer giving you your injection. Poor guy!

  • Daryl says:

    I know what you mean about feeling guilty for your contagious pessimism. But I don’t think skepticism is necessarily the same as pessimism. I think it’s good to ask questions, especially when you’re not sure what the benefits of this treatment are supposed to be. I also think it’s good you two are talking about this stuff.

  • infertmyrt says:

    I’m sorry you’re having one of those days. Those days suck. It’s bad enough when just your brain is being negative, but when your whole body follows suit because of medications, it’s really, really sucky. AND, you should research things and ask question and be part of developing your treatment plan. I always felt pushy when I asked for things to be a certain way, even if it wasn’t the recommended way, but I also felt better because I was doing the research and making the decisions. The most difficult part of your situation is a lack of a clear diagnosis, but be pushy, be involved, take as much initiative as you need to feel comfortable. you won’t regret it. good luck tomorrow.

  • Amber says:

    Oh how many times I have been there, waking up in a bad mood and rubbing off on Hubby. I’m sorry you are having to go through all this. I’m right there with you in no insurance help for ANY of it. It really sucks. Here’s a thought, but maybe I am off, if it cost you around $500 why don’t you do IUI? That’s about the price of an IUI, maybe even a little more? Also, you need to write down and document your questions as you think of them so you will be prepared with those questions at your next appointment with the RE. Did the artsy engineer go to your initial appointment when this plan was put into place? I know it sure helps when my Hubby hears it first hand from the doctor rather than getting my version of it.

  • JenS says:

    Sorry about your crappy day. I feel like the past few months have been nothing but days like this for me. My poor husband. I will say it took him a lot longer to jump on the IF train than me. He kept insisting on bad timing, bad luck, whatever. But he finally got on board and is now ridiculously involved. He also doesn’t trust doctors. He questions and researches everything. We are always apologizing to our RE for being the annoying couple that googles everything and then comes in and asks about it.

  • Amanda says:

    Oh, those pessimistic days! It’s hard when you feel like you have to be strong enough for the both of you. I feel that way all the time, and try to cover up my sadness on sad days, which totally sucks. I’m hoping tomorrow is brighter for you.

  • That’s a crappy situation to be in, to feel like you and your partner aren’t totally clear on what your path should be.

    For what it’s worth, I think it’s a common experience to have one’s husband need a little more time to come to grips with the reality of needing medical help, barring becoming some fluke case. I don’t know if that’s any solace, but at least you’re not alone.

    Also? I freaking hate progesterone in the hoo. Makes me insane. Can’t stand it.

  • bustedoven says:

    Ohhh no. I’m so sorry. It sucks when it feels like your partner isn’t totally on board with the plan. When I started going to acupuncture, my husband kind of made fun of me about it and never trusted what my acupuncturist was telling me. It was really annoying.

    And I’m also terrible about asking questions. Luckily, my husband is GREAT about asking the kind of questions your husband has. I’ve tried to bring him with me to all my appointments, partly so he hears things directly from the doctor (so he’s more likely to believe them), partly so he can ask the questions I’m too nervous to remember, and partly so he sees everything I have to go through.

    Hope your blood test this morning went/goes well!! I’m feeling hopeful for you.

  • YeahScience! says:

    Well, I’m not sure if you’ve gotten the results of your blood test yet, but I would definitely not write off this cycle until then…

    With regards to your hubby and everything: Considering you have gotten pregnant naturally, I really do feel for where he’s coming from. That is concrete proof that you don’t NEED treatment in order to get a BFP. The issue here is two things: 1. Whether you are both patient enough to keep trying and possibly not get another BFP for a very long time; and 2. Whether you feel there was a reason for the miscarriage that needs looking into (ie. do you have low progesterone? could you have any issues with egg quality? etc.).

    It’s frustrating that most REs will just put all of their new patients on Femara or Clomid at first, and it feels like you don’t get individualized treatment, but as my RE explained it, these meds just take the natural process and make it go much faster. At 30, chances are, only 1 out of every 4 of your eggs is actually viable, meaning you may have to wait four cycles just to have a real chance at getting pregnant, and even then you have to time things precisely, hope for strong swimmers, etc.. By taking Femara, the goal is to end up with four eggs instead of one, thus giving you a much better shot of a BFP in EVERY cycle.

    Anyway, that’s the logic. Try to take this time to think about what’s best for both of you…

  • Arwen Rose says:

    Am sorry you’re feeling this way and blaminguyourself for your hubby doubting. I am still hoping your blood test showed hope….

  • Happy ICLW. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Now following you here. Thinking of you this morning and hope your blood test goes well.

  • Kristin says:

    The bad days suck. I was in the same boat as you. Ovulating on my own, albeit a bit late, but it just took forever. I didn’t have the patience for it after a time. I hope you and the Artsy Engineer can strick a balance in patience, hope and fortitude. It’s tough, this business.

  • Sarah says:

    Sigh. I have so been here. I’m so sorry you guys had a rough day. It’s easy for us to have a healthy sense of skepticism (err pessimism) because we are all incessantly reading blogs about infertility and the many previously unknown woes of baby making. And, at least in my case, it’s also a measure of self protection – as long as I’m not hopeful, I can’t be dissappointing (or so I told myself). In any case, our partners’ optimism is part of what we find attractive, it just happens to be ill suited for this situation 🙂
    Good luck and hang in there!

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