Reason (or something like it)

March 31, 2013 § 22 Comments

We’re trying to decide what to do next.

Say next cycle works. Next cycle’s maybe baby would end up birthed in early January of 2014. For those of you who have stellar memories, you may recall that this coming December-January is also the time that I will (hopefully) be interviewing for internship positions all over the country. Yes, I could probably arrange phone interviews for one or two if absolutely necessary. But I can’t help but assume that would put me at a disadvantage. And, yes, I could turn down all interviews that were not within driving distance. But only 3/4 of applicants match to a program at all, so limiting my options is not something I want to do.

My RE has said that we have the option of either continuing with one more round of letrozole+timed intercourse or moving ahead to IUI. Of course, there are other possibilities. We can do no treatment and still try. Or we can take a month off to ensure that I can go on interviews.

Y’all. The idea of taking a month off is met with a huge “hell no” from my brain. I can’t even think about it rationally. My brain doesn’t give me the opportunity. I’ve tried to think clearly about the pros of doing this, but it’s immediately blocked by the much more overwhelming need to continue to push forward. It may be the best option. But it’s such an aversive idea that I can’t even think about it. That is some seriously powerful shit, friends.

If I’m not going to even entertain the thought (which apparently I’m not), then I guess we’re trying. And if we’re trying, maybe we should go all out. Skip ahead to IUI. But then what if I get pregnant and don’t match to an internship and have to spend an entire additional year in graduate school.

So, because both of those options are scary, I’m leaning toward the nonsensical decision that looks something like this. We try (so treatment, in general, is a yes). But not so hard that we actually might get pregnant* (so IUI is a no). Letrozole cycle #3, then?

That “logic” is so absurd.


*Because if we did get pregnant, of course we’d be thrilled and of course I would make it work. And maybe I wouldn’t even care if I had to tack on an additional year to graduate school even though that would make it 7 years instead of 6 and even 6 is INSANE and right now I REALLY, REALLY CARE. So much so that I am being SCREAMY about it, apparently.

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§ 22 Responses to Reason (or something like it)

  • SM says:

    If you’re anything like me, you wouldn’t even care that you had to do one more year of school if you had a real live baby in your arms. I’m all for continuing to try!

    • You’re so very certainly right. I think that having a baby in arms still feels very removed – like it’s never going to happen – so it’s hard to remember sometimes that it would indeed change my whole viewpoint on everything else in my life!

  • You make me laugh with your screamy-ness—you’re screaming for all of us! Because it’s insane that we have to unravel this b.s. But your plan actually sounds quite logical to me (who has been through the trenches and so my perspective is, er, a wee bit skewed). My fiancรฉ went through the matching process for psychology doctorate and it was hell, so I feel for you. xxoo

    • I’m glad it makes sense to someone besides me. I’m not ever sure anymore if my decisions in regard to this are completely irrational or not. The emotions have such robust influence down here in the trenches!

  • Jenny says:

    If it makes you feel any better, it took me 8 years to finish my graduate degree (and that was just for a master’s – long story). And I didn’t even have a pregnancy/baby as an excuse.

  • Sadie says:

    Trying to juggle it all boggles the mind – and can certainly make one screamy – doesn’t it? I try to remind myself that, particularly in this land of IF/loss, we can never predict the outcome. All we have *any* influence over is right now. So I try to focus on that. Baby steps. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. I know it sounds like a platitude but somehow, it all works out in the end. It will for you too friend.

    • So screamy! But you’re so very right, of course. We have no control over what happens in the future and when it will happen. Maybe I should just stop looking up estimated due dates. That would solve a whole lot of problems.

  • Kimberly says:

    Ugh IF makes us face all these hard decisions! So I was forced to take a couple months off while waiting for our donor – they went super fast and helped me relax, regroup, process, etc. So I am always for a month or two off. But I also get your logic of not trying “too” hard – cause if you do one more medication cyce and it dosent work, then you will be full on ready for the IUI. Good luck! you will figure out what works best fo you!

    • Ha, I don’t know if it’s really logic. It’s more like settling with whatever option makes me the least anxious. And then I add justifications. I’m REALLY good at justifying decisions that don’t make a whole lot of sense. I’d call it a strength. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • YeahScience! says:

    I’m somewhat confused by the “either/or” scenario here — surely you can get knocked up AND also score an internship. Or at least, an internship is not guaranteed off the table if you get a BFP. Can you do interviews via Skype video or Face Time? There must be a way. In any case, I also vote for pushing ahead with treatment — be aggressive, though. Do one or two IUIs, but if they don’t produce results, move straight on to IVF (if you can afford it, and if your clinic supports the decision). The last thing you need is another year full of unsuccessful IUIs and Letrozole.

    • Yes, you’re absolutely right. An internship is not guaranteed off the table if I get a BFP this cycle. I’d imagine that interviews can be via Skype if absolutely necessary. I’ve just never met anyone who has actually done that for this phase. And when there are 30 people interviewing for the same position who get to present their lovely faces in-person, I can’t help but worry that I would be at a disadvantage.

      I’m with you on the treatment aggressiveness front. That’s why I’m being so ridiculous about this particular decision. I don’t want to waste another month with letrozole only. It feels stagnant at this point. But for some reason, I’m also hesitant to move forward to IUI. I think there is some small part of me that still holds out hope that I can get pregnant from sex (although this wavers; often I could care less). And I justify this by saying that timing isn’t the greatest and so maybe we shouldn’t go all the way.

      Any idea how long it typically takes between deciding you’re going to to IVF and transfer? I’m sure it varies somewhat, but are we talking a month? Several months? I have no idea. I haven’t started my lit review on it yet. One step at a time.

      • YeahScience! says:

        Well, of course these are such personal decisions, and my inner warm-hearted self says, “whatever you choose will be right for you”. Meanwhile, my cold-hearted science-loving self says, “Slam your foot on the gas, lady! Chances of conceiving naturally in your 30s are NOT in your favour, even with a few doses of Letrozole in your pocket.” But that’s just me… anyway, I think it’s always worth doing a couple IUIs in order to rule out any problem with the sperm getting past your cervix or whatever. But if those fail, I’d push to go for IVF right away. The timing all depends on what your RE says, though… but if he/she does want you to do IVF, it happens fairly quickly. You might do a mock cycle, but then you’d be good to go right after that (so, a two-month wait at most).

        Give it more thought, and see what your hubby thinks!

    • Also, thank you for challenging my black and white thinking there. It tends to creep up when I’m anxious and unawares.

  • I have had to take months off at a time while waiting for surgeries/insurance/etc and I do think that they made me a bit more sane, but you have to do what your gut is telling you. If you want to try this month and will regret not trying, then go for it! Interviewing for internships will get worked out.

  • Amber says:

    You are the ONLY one that can make this decision, but my advice would be to take the month off. We all get so caught up in the idea of really, really wanting a baby and OF COURSE you would make it work if you were successful and get pregnant this next cycle. However, it seems crazy to me to pay for a whole extra year of graduate school (possibly) when it can be avoided for just one month off of ttc. The stress of a new baby, graduate school, and trying to get the internship the following year sound overwhelming to me. That is just my opinion though. Whatever you decide, I will cheer you on regardless!

  • bustedoven says:

    Man, doesn’t it suck to have to make decisions like this? I generally feel like, if it’s meant to happen this time, it will happen, so keep trying! And if this is your cycle, it will all work out. And if it’s not, phew, now you don’t have to worry about THAT particular potential clusterfuck. Maybe this is a super naive philosophy, but it’s what I tell myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • idioticinfertility says:

    I’d tend to go with your instincts to just try, and deal with it if you get the amazing news that it worked. Things will come together somehow. People make all kinds of absurd situations work.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

  • I love this post; you’re such a planner! I can relate to this so much. Sorry to throw in a cliche here but there is NO WAY to plan how/when this all plays out. It sounds like you have a lot going on but at the same time, you gotta just live your life and let the rest work itself out. I know I’m starting to sound like a vague and un-motivating motivational speaker. What I’m trying to say is I know you’ll make the right decision because you have a good head on your shoulders. My advice? Follow your heart. Now I’m sounding like a Disney movie. I’m going to stop talking.

  • sarah says:

    I think we could all stand to be a little screamy every now and then – well put. I totally get how tough this is – with every cycle, I can’t help calculating when I would be giving birth, how that would affect my new job/job search (I’m on a fellowship that ends in September so I need to be interviewing, hopefully not while about-to-give-birth), etc. As much as we in the land of infertility know better than anyone that there is nothing about this that can be planned, many of us are also the Type A personalities who always thought we would have this down to a science. Anyway, we just did our first IUI – boy was that fun! We’re actually taking a break if this cycle doesn’t work – just for a month since we have a two week vacation planned. It makes me queasy to consider taking a break as I’m much more the barrel-ahead-full-steam-despite-any-emotional-damage-that-may-result because, you know, MUST HAVE BABY NOW! Anyway, if you do decide to take a break, let me know – maybe we can be screamy together.

  • Gypsy Mama says:

    Tough decisions!!! On the one hand, if you had a baby and had to put off the internship for a year, that would also mean you wouldn’t have to move right after having the baby. (Because you said the internships are all across the country.) On the other hand, if you waited a cycle or two, it may be better timing for the internship AND a baby. I know how hard it is to wait between cycles. I got my BFN after IVF #1 in October, and when I found out I had to wait until March to try again I was devastated!! I focused on getting hubby as healthy as possible during those months, and now I am glad we had the time for the vitamins to work, as we have seen a major improvement this time around!

    Just listen to your heart and you will know what to do ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Just adding my vote to keep trying and let the interview/ life plan chips fall where they may. Unless you NEED a break, in which case, take one. (How is that for unhelpful?)

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