Gahhhh

June 19, 2013 § 32 Comments

Well.

Against all of your thoughtful and accurate advice and against my better judgment, I tested last night. And, as expected, there was nothing. Cue cursing. Cue tears. Cue pretty intense self-directed berating.

Ten minutes later, Artsy Engineer got home. Scolded me for testing, which I immediately pointed out was incredibly unfair, since he is always trying to convince me to take pregnancy tests when it’s way too early. He started making ceviche for dinner. While he was in the middle of chopping ingredients, I said something childish and embarrassing along the lines of, “I don’t want that. I want pizza.” I was in a drown out your sorrows kind of mood. And that calls for pizza or macaroni and cheese. Not raw food cooked in citrus.

About 15 minutes into my tantrum, I went back to throw away the test and get rid of the evidence of my stupidity.

And there was a second line. A veryveryvery faint second line.

And then I immediately remembered that I took a trigger shot and that a second line is completely untrustworthy at this point. Somehow, in my deluded symptom haze, I forgot about this little (HUGE FREAKING) detail. What on earth was I thinking. This is why I haven’t even considered testing this early during any of my other medicated cycles. Because I know better. How did I forget about this??

Source. Alex E. Proimos

Facepalm. Source: Alex E. Proimos

And today, I’m feeling A LOT less pregnant. I slept soundly, I’ve been cold all morning, and the blown up surgical glove boobs are gone. Of course. And they have taken with them my optimism. Which I absolutely deserve.

Screw you, feelings. You suck.

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§ 32 Responses to Gahhhh

  • Well, chalk this up as a lesson learned for next time….oh wait there is not going to BE a next time (at least for a few years) because you will wait to test for the next few days and when you do test, there will be two real lines! 🙂

    But seriously, don’t beat yourself up about it. We all test early. Just hold out for a few more days. Crossing my fingers for you!

  • Sarah says:

    I always test early to test out the trigger. Test again tomorrow with first morning urine and compare the two tests – is there a second line, first of all, and if so is it darker or lighter than the first test? I hope this is it for you!!

    • bustedoven says:

      Ooh, I like this advice. Sorry, Lentil. I know how impossible it is to resist the siren call of the pee sticks. I’m really hoping that your squinter is really and truly the start of your BFP and not left-over trigger. I am still feeling so positive about this cycle for you!

    • Sarah says:

      WAIT A MINUTE. I just checked your last post to see how far along you are…you’re 10dpiui or 12 dpo?? Please don’t hate me for fucking with your emotions, but I think a real, honest-to-god second line would be showing up 12dpo, rather than a trigger line. People do metabolize the trigger shot at different rates though, so you really do need to test again to see. Everything’s crossed for you!!

      • Sarah, thank you thank you for your continued optimism, but I’m sadly only 10dpo today. 12 days past the trigger. It should, technically, be out, but it is also certainly possible that it’s not. The RE has said in the past that they won’t do any blood work before 12dpo (which is already scheduled for Friday), because the trigger can confound the results. I knew this, but somehow completely forgot.

      • Sarah says:

        For some reason I cannot reply to you, so I’m replying to myself but REALLY I’m replying to you. ANYWAY, I’m sorry that I suck at math. Ugh. You’re right, you’re 10dpo. Still, I tested early on each of my 6 IUIs with trigger shots, and by 10dpo I never still had a second line. Can you consider your test last night your baseline, to inform future tests? Or at this point are you washing your hands of the whole affair and waiting for the official bloodwork? Whatever you decide, I’m thinking of you, and very hopeful!

  • knalani says:

    I did the exact same thing after my IUI! I’m sorry. It sucks to think you are pregnant, and then be unsure…

    I’m hoping it’s a real BFP for you!

  • SM says:

    You’re still not out! It might not be the trigger but I understand your hesitation. I’ve still got my fingers crossed though!

  • Jen K says:

    Try not to beat yourself up about it. We’ve all felt the desire to test early. I tested out my trigger from my fresh IVF…how crazy is that….daily tests to watch a line appear…get lighter…and then go away. Since that incident…I’ve no longer tested early. *hugs*

  • Well. It could be trigger or it could be your long overdue baby. I’m betting in the latter. Good luck with the next test whether it is stick or blood. Rooting for you!

  • Amanda says:

    Well you convinced me not to test… my fingers were itching! I can’t deal with that yet… it’s got to be yes or no.

    Hopeful that this line gets DARKER and not lighter. Hang in there my friend!

  • Oh my. Don’t jump to conclusions yet!! I had changing symptoms when I got pregnant! Wait a few more days and take another test….I’m sorry for your breakdown…but it’s bound to happen regardless…xoxo

  • Amber says:

    Ahhhhhh! This really is all just such a cluster. I’m sorry you are on the big, gigantic roller coaster of emotions. However, I am continuing to be optimistic for you. Symptoms do come and go. Don’t I know it right now, and I hate it! Hang in there. Only two more days and you will absolutely know for sure. I also would recommend (since you already have once), testing again tomorrow. If the line is darker, you will have your answer. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you and you are definitely staying in my thoughts.

  • Gypsy Mama says:

    I really think it was a true second line. I don’t want to mess with your emotions, but I’ve tested that early after IVF with a trigger and I’ve never had a faint second line. I really think you are pregnant!

    Sending you TONS of good vibes and hoping you are pregnant 🙂

  • Jane Allen says:

    During my last IUI, I tested the day after my trigger, for the “shiggles” of seeing a positive test, and I barely had a second line and it was <24 hrs since the injection. Fingers crossed this is the real thing!

  • So I don’t have your email address to respond to your comment, but YES you should ABSOLUTELY go to your next RESOLVE meeting. Everyone is really supportive and it was extremely helpful for me, learning more about IVF, places to possibly help with fertility (aka acupunture), and just knowing that once a month I had face-to-face people going through the same thing that I was that I could talk to. GO LADY GO!

  • nickeecoco says:

    I’m holding out hope for you that the line becomes darker too. And I agree, FEELINGS ARE THE WORST! 😉

  • J o s e y says:

    This is the first post I’ve read of yours, but seriously don’t give up hope yet! I had a BFN at 10dpIUI — FAINT positive at 12dpIUI — and a crazy 18 month old now. It could definitely have been too early to test. I hope your get a solid 2nd line on that test soon!

  • redbluebird says:

    I hope it’s a real second line!!! I still had a faint line from the trigger after 7/8 days, but it was gone after that. I hope this is it!

  • Aramis says:

    Man oh man. I really hope this is it. I have no idea about triggers leaving the system. This is why I yelled at you not to pee!

  • Daryl says:

    Aw, man. What a roller coaster. Fingers crossed that line gets darker!

  • Jenny says:

    Oh, it’s a total mind-fuck, isn’t it? I went through the same torture with our femara/trigger cycle. I started testing out the trigger, then skipped a few days, then started testing again at 10dpo. I got a faint second line, but had no idea if it was the trigger or not. All I could do was keep testing and it did eventually turn out to be the real deal. I’m hoping very hard that it’s the same for you! Good luck!

  • JustMe says:

    Oh my god…reading your post AND reading the comments from all of your readers (lots of love!) just got me so excited/anxious for you. I hope this is something real. that would be amazing and you know we would all be cheering you on. if you test again tomorrow and there are still lines…you HAVE to tell us.

  • I know i’m just repeating everyone, BUT, I am cheering on you and your hcg levels! i’m pray, pray, prayin’ for a darker line, if/whenever you decide to pee on another stick.
    PS – for me, probably because I thought I was absolutely not capable of making a fetus, I didn’t have any early pregnancy symptoms. but after I tested, I was like, “oh wait, my boobs ARE being super obnoxious.” meaning, symptoms come and go, and are easy to over-celebrate or totally dismiss depending on your outlook for the day.

    give those boobies another chance 🙂

  • sarah says:

    Oh man, our bodies are such deceitful beasts. I’m so sorry, Lentil. (but also, at the risk of saying things you don’t want to hear, the two times I’ve actually been pregnant, I only ever got a very, VERY faint second line. I know that’s not much to go on, but I don’t know, it’s something). Enjoy that pizza – sometimes it’s just one of those days! sending hugs and positive vibes and comfort food your way.

  • LisaB says:

    Hugs!! I am stil hoping for you!

  • YeahScience! says:

    GIRRRRL… what did we just tell you?? Early testing only makes things worse. False positives are just as bad as negatives. However, I definitely think you’re still in the game for a BFP here because symptoms are COMPLETELY unreliable at this point. Seriously, temps get wonky, boobs do their own thing, etc. etc. Whenever I see bloggers get BFPs, they’re usually shocked because it was the one cycle they thought was a bust — because they’re symptoms were nowhere to be found.

    So basically, keep breathing, and just hold on a bit longer. 🙂

  • bustedoven says:

    It is beta day, and I am crossing my fingers real hard for you!!!

  • I am so far behind on your life right now! I know you’ve already had your beta at this point, so I’m just sitting here crossing my fingers and wishing like hell that things went well today.

  • storkchaser says:

    Omg I totally know the feeling!!!!!!! I’m so sorry you’re in this place. It sucks. Especially when you have to hear about testing too early from your husband. And your dinner tantrum was better than my rubbing tuna fish all over my husband’s face. ; ) Can’t wait for that real second line SOON!!!

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