Once I started, I couldn’t easily stop. I tested again on Wednesday, and the test line on the Wondfo was even lighter, which I did not think was possible. And while that mostly answered my question about whether or not my first “positive” was the result of the trigger shot, it still left a little room for hoping. Of course, I googled “pregnancy tests lighter before getting darker” and learned that it can, in fact, happen. But then on Thursday morning, it was gone completely. No line. So, going into my beta was a bit heartbreaking. I knew it would be negative. And it was.
I’m a little bit ashamed of myself for getting so worked up. I should have known better. Part of me feels embarrassed about showing you all my raw, unfounded excitement based on nothing more than a mixture of intense hope and stronger than ever progesterone supplement symptoms. I typically don’t type things out in real time, especially when these things are super emotionally charged. I craft my posts after the emotional intensity has worn off a bit, which feels safer. Less vulnerable. I feel like I let myself get pranked. In front of a large audience. For a person with a decent amount of social anxiety, that is less than ideal.
But that is that. I’m not pregnant. We’re moving on to IVF. Another IUI feels pointless. There were three eggs in there available for fertilization this last time, and The Artsy Engineer’s numbers were better than ever. The only reason we would do another IUI is if we decide to wait to see if a space opens up in the clinical trial. When I realized I was being put on a waiting list, I emailed one of the research assistants to ask if she would be able to give me some idea of when spots might open up and if I was high enough up on the list to be hopeful that I might get one. She responded briefly by saying, “Possibly till the end of July, but there are very limited spots.” That didn’t quite answer my question to the extent that I was hoping, so I emailed again asking for clarification. This time I got the following reply.
We may not take candidates until end of July.
We have been running for almost 4 years and have reached capacity for the trial currently, we are not closed yet and will be taking a few more. We will be looking and re-reviewing the prescreening and screening questionnaires. When spots become available we will contact candidates.
I’m reading this to mean that it’s unlikely, right? If I were high enough up on the list to remain hopeful, wouldn’t she say so?
This is important because of timing. I know I should not be thinking of timing. Because it will work out regardless. But I’ve been focusing on my career for so long that it’s a hard habit to break. You guys may remember that I will likely be starting an internship next summer, sometime between June 29th and September 1st. And I will likely have to move to whichever state the hospital I’ve been placed is located. We can do IVF right now with my RE. Starting asap with birth control pills as soon as these progesterone supplement leaves my system and I get my period. Say it miraculously works on try #1. The potential baby would be due in late April or early May. This sounds ideal. It would give me more time at home with this potential baby, more time before the move. If we wait (and, again, if it miraculously works on try #1), this potential baby would be born while I’m on internship and I would very likely only be allowed to take 6 weeks off. Yikes. And I’ve also never known anyone who has had a baby during internship. Everyone does it during postdoc (which will be the two years following this internship year), but I have never even heard of somebody who knows somebody who has had a baby during internship.
I know all of this may be a moot point. There is so much that is out of my control. I might not match to an internship at all. 25% don’t. And IVF often does not work on the first try. But my doctor sounds so confident. Based on her stats with my age range and diagnosis in addition to her “clinical opinion” (based on my all of my numbers and my “strong” response to treatment), she believes we have a 60% chance. She even said she thought we had a 60-80% chance, but that saying that out loud makes her squirm, because she rarely puts people in that range and she hates to give people that much hope when there is, of course, always a chance that it simply won’t happen.
We also qualify for the shared risk program. If we pay an additional $10,000ish, this would allow us to have the “insurance” of two additional IVFs (and as many FETs as possible) during the course of a year if the first IVF fails.
So the options are this:
1) wait until the end of July to see if space opens up in the clinical trial
pros: much (!!) lower cost
cons: seems unlikely to happen, timing would be less ideal, i would have to travel to and from NY during a really busy time work-wise, increased stress levels from travel/working from elsewhere, the clinic has a lower success rate than my clinic at home
2) move forward with IVF with my RE using the simple pay-as-you-go method
pros: it might work the first time, less stress, better timing
cons: it might not work the first time, $20,ooo is very expensive, FET costs around $4,000
3) move forward with IVF using the shared risk plan
pros: three IVFs plus as many FETs as possible better freaking work, so i would venture to say this will likely get us pregnant
cons: $30,000 is holyfuckingshitoutofcontrol expensive and what if it works the first time and we feel like we just gambled away an additional 10 grand
So this is where we are. The plan is to choose one of these three in the next few days. Eeeep.
Anyone want to make this decision for me? I struggle with deciding what to order off of the menu when we go out for dinner. In fact, I usually convince the Artsy Engineer to order one of the two things I want and share it with me, so I get both and I never actually even have to come to a decision. How on earth are we going to figure this one out?