Psychosomatization imagination: The last beta before IVF

July 17, 2013 § 59 Comments

I cracked myself up yesterday.

But in order for the story to make sense, I have to push the start back to Sunday night.

So, we’re vegetarians. And I’m really cognizant of maintaining a balanced diet, so I eat all of the foods vegetarians are supposed to eat to ensure that they get enough protein, iron, healthy fats, etc. One would think that would include avocados, right? Because all vegetarians eat avocados. But not this one. I’ve always hated the things, and I was never really sure why until the last year or so. It’s not the taste or the texture. Those are fine. But over the last year, I’ve gotten a little queasy every time that I eat them. I think I have some sort of weirdie sensitivity to them. But I keep trying to eat them, because I know they’re good for me. And because the queasy is pretty minimal and it only seems to happen about 50% of the time. So, Sunday night, I make some summer rolls with lentils, beets, carrots, and avocado. I make this killer peanut ginger dipping sauce to go along with them. In total, I consume about a quarter of an avocado. And I proceed to throw up all night.

But by Monday I was fine. So fine, in fact, that I went to the gym after work where I swam and took a thirty minute abs class. Not things you do when you feel even a little bit sick.

And now here is the actual story. (Sorry I’ve just bored you guys with a too long paragraph on my relationship with avocados.)

Of course, over the last couple of days, I’ve been wishing that the nausea would return so I could attribute it to something other than a food allergy (or whatever it is). Then yesterday I was sitting in a lunch meeting while a postdoc was going through a mock oral exam. I finished my lunch and everything was good, and then all of the sudden, I thought, ‘Hang on. Do I feel sick? I wish I felt sick. Maybe I DO feel sick.’ And then all of the sudden whatever I was feeling got immediately and significantly worse and I felt like I was going to throw up.

I didn’t want to get up and leave the room, though, because it was kind of a stressful situation for the person being ‘tested,’ and I’m at the bottom of the totem pole there and didn’t want to be a distraction, so I just tried to focus my attention away from my stomach and on a point on the table in front of me. It was taking A LOT of active effort. I started sweating. I could see my hands start shaking. Deargodpleasedontpuke in front of all of these people.

I lasted about 20 minutes until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was afraid if I didn’t leave immediately, very bad things might happen, because the only thing worse than disturbing your superiors by leaving the room during a mock exam is to vomit all over the conference table in front of them, right?

Anyway. I left the room, threw up my lunch in the bathroom, and then went back in. The nausea continued to a much lesser degree for about another 30 minutes or so. Within 10 minutes of starting to work with my next patient, I felt completely fine. I’d forgotten all about it. And when I was done, I was hungry again. So I went and bought and wolfed another lunch.

And, y’all. Last night, as I recounted this story to the The Artsy Engineer, I was able to laugh and shake my head at myself and my superholyshit active imagination. I told him that I couldn’t believe that I was able to WILL myself sick. And okay. Maybe it wasn’t all wishful thinking. Maybe I was still not 100% back from the avocado situation, and a little bit of imagination took me over the edge. I told him that only I would have psychosomatic morning sickness. For an hour. So embarrassing.

And, man. I was dreading today. Today is beta day. And beta days are always bad.

I went first thing this morning for the blood draw. And then I went to the coffee shop, because today is a dissertation writing day. But then the bathroom at the coffee shop was out of order and I had to pee and there were nowhere else open for me to go, so I came home. I set up my work area, put on my head phones. And my phone rang.

Beta was 96.9

I’m pregnant.

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