Happy and sad tears and scared tears and just tears

July 24, 2013 § 42 Comments

I owe you guys a little bit of an update, I think.

First, again, I think I a-little-bit love each and every one of you. Thank you for your support. It has been mind-blowing.

Today (like yesterday and the day before and the 5 days before that), I am barely pregnant. 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, to be exact. This week has gone by incredibly slowly, and I can’t imagine that the next two will be any quicker.

I feel like I need to fill in the last week, so here it is. This will be wordy and manic, for sure. But I really need to be dissertating right now, so I’m going to leave grammar and proper paragraph formation to the real writers out there.

The day I found out that first beta was positive was absolutely surreal. I was home by myself when I heard the news. The nurse called at 10 AM, which is EARLY (usually they call around noon), so I wondered briefly if something good might be up. Why would they rush to deliver bad news? But no, of course not, Lentil. Don’t be silly. This cycle is a bust. You are doing IVF in September. All she said was, “Lentil, is it a good time to talk?” And you guys. I knew then. Because I could hear the excitement in her voice. And then she said, “Good. Because I have some wonderful news for you.” I think I might have yelped. And then cried a little. And then told her (nonsensically, I believe, as I was not in any state to be storytelling) about the avocado allergy and the vomiting at work. And then I had to KEEP being home by myself for the rest of the day. I was super antsy couldntsitstill so I went out. I decided on a whim that I did not want to tell Artsy Engineer about the positive beta until he got home and I could do it in person. I knew he had meetings all day and it just didn’t seem like an option to tell him in between meetings when the excitement might have to be cut short. It was a weird decision and not at all like me. I hate big to-do’s. I hate surprises. But in that moment, it just seemed like the only decision.

So I lied. I sent him a text that the beta was negative. It was cruel. I’m not sure what I was thinking.

Anyway. Antsy. I went out. And I went to Target to buy some pregnancy tests, because dear GOD I had been waiting so long to see that second line. The manager checked me out when I was making my purchases. She was a woman about my age. Probably 8 months pregnant. And she said, “make sure you don’t throw away the instructions, because there are always dollar off coupons on them for another set of tests.” And my infertile radar was like, she’s one of us. And so I said, “thanks! It looks like you’ve probably used these once or twice.” And. Get this. Right there while she was checking me out, with a line of people behind me, she confirmed my suspicion. She said that she used them A LOT. That it took her three years. And that the month before she conceived, she was told she would never have children. That she needed to have to have a hysterectomy. She wished me luck and told me to maintain hope. It was incredible. Here I was, one hour pregnant, and my first ever random real life infertile meeting happens. And it was a wonderfully uplifting story. I floated out the door. And I went home and took that pregnancy test and, at 12 days past ovulation, that sucker was darker than the control line. UNREAL. Is this really happening? And to me?!

Then, I went to Pea in the Pod (what the hell was I thinking?!) and bought a onesie (and got a free baby bottle.. so weird! for me?) and to Barnes and Noble and bought a baby name book and to the market and bought a jellybean assortment. And I came home and made a babyarrangement on the table. I was going to present to Artsy Engineer our pregnancy.

And then he hit infertility rock bottom. He called on the way home and just let loose with the itsnotfair’s and the screweveryoneelse’s and the curse words and the tears. And I felt like a monster. But I was sooo close to being able to tell him in person, so all I could do was say, uh huh; I know, baby; it’s not fair over and over again.

Then he got home and saw the baby stuff and he cried. And cried. He was elated, of course. But somewhere in the crying was a pathetic sounding “why did you do that to me?”

I still feel horribly guilty about it.

The next few days were very difficult. I felt a few hours of relief after the second beta came back well, but it didn’t last long. And on top of intense fear of miscarriage, I was also dealing with another thing.

I’ve been lucky enough to go to grad school in the city near where my parents live. And I’ve loved being close to them. We see them once or twice in a two week period. They live out in the country in this beautiful old farmhouse that was built in the 1800s. There is an enormous garden, and wildlife, and a skyfull of stars. To say that this home has been a safe haven for me over the past 5 years is to put it mildly. This has been my refuge. My warm place. My place of peace.

I’ve known for a year that they were moving this weekend. They got jobs at the university in their own hometown, where my grandparents and many aunts and uncles still live. At a topnotch university. Six hours away. My dad actually moved in November and would come back every other weekend to be with my mom.

But the time had come. And this past weekend just so happened to be the last weekend that we would get to spend in the house. They actually drive away with the moving truck today.

I cried all weekend. I cried when we pulled up the winding and tree-lined driveway. I cried when I ate my last dinner at the kitchen table. I cried when I saw the stars out there for the last time. I cried over breakfast on Sunday morning. And I sobbed when we pulled away on Sunday afternoon.

But that is that, I guess. I buried the house. I will probably be grieving it for awhile. Just, dearlord, don’t give me two things to grieve.

Beta on Sunday was 569. 41 hour doubling time. So far, it looks like we’re progressing as we should be. But, obviously, it’s still so so early. Part of me wants to scold myself for making purchases. For getting amped up about having a small living thing in my uterus. What if I jinxed it? But that’s a crock of shit and we all know it. If this thing is going to stop growing, it’s going to do so regardless of whether or not I’ve let myself get excited about it.

And over the last day or two, I have. I have allowed some happy thoughts in. I even went to the library and picked up a pregnancy book (or three), so I could read about what’s happening in my body. And I can’t withhold this excitement from Artsy Engineer, either. It wouldn’t be fair. On Monday, he downloaded the What to Expect app on his phone while at work, apparently, and I got the following text while I was breaking between patients:

Hey you. Guess what. The baby is as big as an orange seed and it has these two tubes which will fuse together soon to become the two main chambers of the heart. Then the brain and spinal cord get sucked up into the baby next week. Cooooool.

And my heart melted.

My next milestone is getting through this weekend. I started bleeding at 5 weeks last time. There is lots of checking for blood. And yesterday I had a bunch of period-like cramping, which sucked because what does it mean? Luckily, I will be going to Chicago this weekend to see my childhood BFF, who is there for a work trip. Hopefully that will provide a little bit of a distraction.

No more betas, though. My first ultrasound is scheduled for 6w4d. 9 am. Tuesday, August 6th. 14 days away (counting today because I still have to make it through today). I think the next two weeks are going to take years.


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§ 42 Responses to Happy and sad tears and scared tears and just tears

  • missymakes says:

    I’m sorry about the house, but it sounds like things are going great on the pregnancy front. And don’t feel bad for getting excited. i don’t think the excitement can be anything but good for that little one growing in your tummy! And, also, the two week wait for ultrasound really does seem like two years. I’m just past halfway there and it still feels forever away.

    • missymakes says:

      Oh, and I’ll be in Chicago this weekend, too (though I live in the suburbs so maybe that’s not so exciting)! We’re going to dinner with some friends at the Greek Islands restaurant. Yummy! Do you have any fun plans while in town?

      • Gahh, I hope you can come back in a week and tell me the second half goes by like lightning, but somehow I don’t see that happening. 😉

        No plans for Chicago yet! We only get to see each other once every year or two, so we tend to just hole up somewhere (it doesn’t matter where) and soak each other in.

        • missymakes says:

          LOL, I hope so too! Hope you have lots of fun with your BFF. I miss having really close BFFs like that. Seems like we all grew apart after highschool. Enjoy!

  • Steph Mignon says:

    Lentil, I think what I liked best about this post (and I liked a lot) was when you said that no amount of being excited is going to jinx this pregnancy. It will grow or it won’t and rather than moping around, I’m convinced that actually being happy and excited can only be beneficial! Good luck getting through the next two weeks (a whole different type of two-week wait!), I’ll be thinking of you. 😉

  • I love this post so much. I can literally feel your happiness, your super justified and totally deserved happiness radiating through my computer. And how adorable is it AE downloaded the What to Expect app?! My heart utterly melted at that. I love it.

    You are seriously the cutest. It may have been a bit cruel to make him wait, but I’m sure his reaction was oh-so-worth it (sounds like it was). I could cry with how happy I am for you. I just have a really good feeling about this and I don’t want you to worry these next few weeks. Keep shopping and reading pregnancy books and being excited and happy. Please do this. I’ll be cheering you on and thinking of you all the way until August 6th. God, this makes me so happy and hopeful. XO, friend.

  • Gypsy Mama says:

    Oh Lentil. I am so happy for you and Artsy Engineer. I can totally picure his reaction!

    Good luck on your next ultrasound, I know you will do great 🙂 xo

    • Thank you, friend. I keep picturing it. In every imagining of that first ultrasound, I have my hands pressed firmly over my eyes because I can’t bear to see it if it’s bad. I hope I’m not that terrified in real life.

  • torthuil says:

    I am so happy for you and I’m sure all the emotions will sort themselves out over time! Enjoy the “orange seed” moments and cry if you have to for whatever reason. I think Anxiety is the companion of all IFFers but it doesn’t have to be the only thing you feel. xo

    • 🙂 thank you. hopefully orange seed moments will soon turn to blueberry moments and whatever weird fruit comes after that. and, you’re right. other things can accompany the anxiety. i don’t have to be either anxious or elated. i suppose i can be both at the same time.

  • I can feel your happiness! And that makes me happy for you 🙂 I can’t believe you were able to hold out and wait to tell Artsy Engineer! Hoping Aug 6th gets here as fast as possible for you.

  • SM says:

    Here’s to hoping that orange seed grows into a watermelon! The wait to that first ultrasound can be so, so hard. The fear never completely goes away either. I have another ultrasound in two weeks and even though I can feel Turkey moving and bouncing in there, I still feel that old fear. Don’t worry too much about freak out moments. They suck but just keep holding on to the joy of having your little orange seed. You’re pregnant, friend! That’s awesome!

  • Amanda says:

    Wow! What awesome news! Congratulations! Orange seed, huh? Where do they come up with this stuff?!?! I guess the thought is that fruit is cute and sweet?!?! Anyway, good luck surviving the next weeks… hoping the time flies by!

  • Amber says:

    Lentil, I don’t think I’ve congratulated you yet. I’ve been so busy caught up in my own crazy life and pregnancy worries, but I’ve read your posts and am SOOOOoooooooo incredibly happy for you and AE. I know exactly all about your fears. Waiting for that first u/s is so painful. Then waiting for the next one. Then the next…… I can’t wait to read your post detailing what it was like hearing the heartbeat for the first time. It’s amazing 🙂

    Sorry about your parents moving and the grieving of the house. Change is always hard. You have so many GREAT changes coming your way though!

    • Change is incredibly hard for me! So much harder than it should be. I’m one of those. 😉 Once it’s done and over with, I’m fine, though, so hopefully this will be the same.

      And thank you for the congratulations. I hope I get to satisfy you with that heartbeat post very soon!

  • YeahScience! says:

    Hahahahaha… omg, I’m sorry, but that whole story about lying to your husband that the beta was negative is like the most unintentionally cruel yet hilarious thing ever. Only could a manic infertile with an unexpected BFP could act so crazily. 🙂 Love it.

    It’s funny — my husband subscribes to a pregnancy app, too, but it’s very much for women. He keeps getting push alerts on his cell phone during business meetings informing him that his vagina may start to smell funny, or that he should treat himself to a manicure.

    Also — you are correct. These next two weeks will feel like an eternity. All you can do is keep checking obsessively for blood and then breathing a sigh of relief when there is none. Don’t worry at all about the cramping because that’s actually a good thing, and means your uterus is trying to expand and get ready to do a very big job. I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with INTENSE cramps, but they pass in a few minutes and then it’s all good. Hang in there!

    • It IS cruel!!! I know. I clearly did not have my wits about me. And I really do still feel incredibly guilty about it. So silly.

      And that is hilarious about your guy getting those pregnancy push alerts. AE is already talking about how there should be one that is more gender neutral, although it probably wouldn’t get much advertising revenue. I showed him the “man’s” pregnancy book section at the book store and he just scoffed. It was all like, “Caveman’s Guide to Your Pregnant Wife” shit. He was offended.

      And thanks for making me feel better about the checking and the cramping. You really did.

  • Congratulations on your sunny orange seed 🙂

  • I live this! Poor AE, but how wonderful to share with the little pile of baby goodies on the table. Be happy and excited! Can’t wait to hear about the ultrasound. I have my next appointment that Wednesday and time is DRAGGING! Hoping it goes more quickly for you!

  • Aramis says:

    I both love you and think you are kind of a jerk for what you did to AE. But I think I’ll forgive you, just like he did. 😉 Hope this next two weeks flies by!

    • I know! I just panicked! And I’m not AT ALL one for big surprises or to-do’s. In fact, I hate them as a rule. I think maybe I just couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud yet. Who knows. So weird.

  • I had the cramping thing too, before I knew I was knocked up… which made me think I definitely wasn’t knocked up (i’m actually pretty happy I didn’t know at 4 weeks, I can’t imagine how much worse it is to know even 10 days earlier). It’s just that little orange seed getting all snuggled into your beautiful uterus 🙂
    i’m so glad you’re letting yourself be happy, even if it’s just a little bit… there’s no reason to not enjoy what you have! i’ll be thinking of you lots this weekend!

  • Emily says:

    I am so so so so happy for you. I’ll be thinking of you this weekend, too. Your post made me tear up, in part because I’ve been there done that– last July in fact I was staring at my own set of lines, and now– I just put my miracle baby to bed. You can do this. Cramps are totally normal (albeit terrifying) and focusing on mini-milestones is exactly the right approach. Time moves sooooo slowly, but know we’re all here rooting for you.

  • sarah says:

    lentil, I can’t believe you tortured the AE like this! Ha. But seriously, I can just feel your excitement jumping off the page – it’s pretty fantastic. Congratulations on those badass betas and hope you can keep yourself sane until the first ultrasound. I found Alphamom’s week by week pregnancy guide to be the best – and most entertaining – reading: http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-calendar/week-four/

    As for more medical stuff, the Mayo Guide seemed to be the most reasonable/least alarmist and the place I went for every twinge, cramp, noticeable feeling of my uterus that left me in an utter panic those first few weeks. Hang in there and can’t wait to follow you on this journey!

  • Flicka Mawa says:

    I am so excited and nervous for you. I remember how I would barely let myself think it was real for the first many weeks, and can only imagine how much more intense that must feel for you.

    You are right though to let yourself get excited. Pregnancy is exciting, and no matter what happens, you will only be pregnant with this baby once. Better to enjoy however long it lasts than to spend it nerve-wracked! (Easier said than done I know)

    The period like cramps are totally normal, though definitely made me nervous. And funnily, once you get used to them you may be nervous when they stop. But it’s all normal. There are so many forms of normal, too.

    Getting an u/s at 6 weeks is exciting! Sometimes the time seems to go so slow, but it will pass and you will get your first picture soon.

    So so excited that you are experiencing this now. I hope we both have THBs next year and we can blog about life with our babies together!

  • redbluebird says:

    Ha ha, I can’t believe you did that to your poor husband! But telling him in person is SO much better.
    The first couple weeks of my pregnancy seemed to go so slowly. I would check my WTE app every morning just to see the “5 weeks 1 day” or whatever it said. Now, at almost 10 weeks, I’m still nervous, but the days seem to go faster. Each ultrasound (I’ve had 4!) has given me a little relief.
    Those are great beta numbers 🙂

  • Sadie says:

    Oh man, I can’t believe you did that to the poor guy. Hilarious but also kind of evil!

    It’s amazing and wonderful that you’re embracing all those excited and happy feelings. I love it that you bought all that stuff. Damn right sister friend! You deserve it, all of it, as much as any oblivious fertile!! So, so happy for you 🙂

  • JustMe says:

    Loved reading this post. It was funny and emotional and edge-of-the-seat to read about keeping your husband in the dark. What a good story to have. And I am still so, so happy for you 🙂

  • Daryl says:

    What a roller coaster. Poor Artsy Engineer! That’s why Hubby made me pee on something the night before the beta and looked over my shoulder as I did it! I’m so excited you’re just a few days ahead of me, and we can experience all this joy and fear and anxiety and happiness together!

  • nonsequiturchica says:

    Oh poor AE! I know you didn’t mean to hurt him and I’m sure you had no idea that he would react that way. But I’m glad that he got the good news when he got home and it sounds like he has forgiven you. 🙂

    The wait until the ultrasound is crazy, but keep thinking positive thoughts. 🙂

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