Fear

July 27, 2013 § 26 Comments

I’m sitting at the train station waiting for Amtrak to let me board, and my hands are visibly shaking.

After that first weekend and all of the betas, a sense of peace settled in for the week. For five days, I felt mostly excitement and, well, joy. I had symptoms – insatiable thirst, peeing ALL the time, cramping – I knew weren’t fabricated. I was experiencing bouts of mild nausea, especially when I was hungry. Yesterday, the nausea was there all day and I was like YES. The anxiety was there, too, but it had very much taken a back seat. It was being overpowered. And well.

Then today. I feel completely normal and not at all pregnant. The sore boobs remain, but are less hurty. Everything else is gone. And the fear has a pretty tight grip on me. In a couple of hours, I get to spend one night with my best childhood friend, who I get to see only once every 2 years or so, and I’ve been fighting off tears all day.

Today is torture. Why can’t I conjure up some of that psychosomatic shit right now? I’d gladly welcome even the fake stuff.

Edited to add: After going back through and reading this post, I’m annoyed with myself for being so totally and completely doomandgloom. So I’ll add a bit of humor from my week. Last night, I put my progesterone supplement in my mouth and ‘supposited’ my prenatal vitamin. No joke. Better? I thought so.

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§ 26 Responses to Fear

  • Ahhh, have been there, it’s impossible not to obsess when the symptoms wane. I know you know, but in case it helps to hear it from another: they come back. Bodies are these little mysterious factories, and you never know what stuff it’s down-regulating right now, for baby, for you. Keeping the faith for you out here! I have big big lovey hope for you.

  • Amber says:

    Oh how I desperately know what you mean. However, I also know that if you were really nauseated yesterday, that you are totally fine! Symptoms, including nausea definitely do come and go. I’ve barely had any nausea so far and I’m 12 weeks. I also worry on a daily, no HOURLY basis myself, so I have no room to talk. Hang in there my friend.

  • Daryl says:

    Today is the first day I’ve felt any hint of nausea, and it only lasted a few seconds at a time, if I really thought hard about it. I know it’s normal for symptoms to come and go this early on, but the fear is still there. I don’t know how to make it go away for you, but I hope you’re able to push it aside a little to enjoy the night with your friend. And I hope the pukiness is back tomorrow!

    Also? That last thing? Kind of makes my day!

  • SM says:

    The waxing and waning of symptoms is maddening. I had absolutely no symptoms for a while and when they did pop up they would leave at random times. It was so nerve-wracking. I’m thinking of you, friend!

  • Emily says:

    I’m feeling your pain, on and off symptoms are scary!

  • I can totally relate. My symptoms were completely gone for about a week then came back with a vengence. Try and enjoy the moments when you feel like yourself because as it goes on you may long for those moments! And I laughed out loud at your progesterone mishap. I always worry that I’ll do that. Lol.

  • Steph Mignon says:

    Lentil, looks like I’ll be worrying right along with you (more on that later). In the meantime, I was JUST talking with a close friend about how these women who get sick as dogs, huge tender breasts etc. etc. in very early pregnancy seem like an urban legend to me. Only one friend of mine got super sick and that wasn’t until like 8 weeks. For her things came and went too. As for the friend I was talking to? She had absolutely no nausea OR breast tenderness and she’s now like 24 weeks. It’s all such a craaaazy mystery!

  • Just reiterating what everyone else is saying. It comes and goes. Try to have fun. And I love your postscript.

  • torthuil says:

    Laughing at the pill story. 😀 I’m sorry you have to live with all this fear – I hope you were able to have a good time with your friends and let it go for a while! Wishing the best for you.

  • Sadie says:

    I know the fear is almost unbearbale at times, and this little tidbit of logic probably won’t do anything to help it abate, but I’ll say it anyway: symptoms come and go. I’ve known just as many women whose pregnancy symptoms were weak and evasive at best, and who went on the have healthy progressing pregnancies and give birth to fat, screaming babies, as I do women who had strong symptoms throughout and lost thiers. Cruel that it keeps us on edge like that, but true. I hope your visit with your friend, (and your own ability to find the humour!), will bring you some respite here and there. In between, sending you hugs and understanding my friend.

  • LisaB says:

    I felt that way, too – many times. It’s totally normal. I used to wish for morning sickness or other symptoms! Sending you hugs!
    LOL @ your funny story!! 🙂

  • shafie says:

    I wasn't having any symptoms with asher and a family friend asked how I was feeling. I lied a little, said I was more tired and more nauseous than I was- the nature of her inquiry felt like, well, I just didn't want to say no to her. and then she said, "that's great, that means the pregnancy is really strong" (bullshit). Cue my heart sinking into my butt. My only symptoms first trimester were not wanting to be touched by my husband and cramping….that's as PMS-ey as it gets….

    hang in there mama

    xoxo

  • Jenny says:

    Yep. What the other ladies said. I went through the same thing with symptoms coming and going. Those that I did have weren’t all that strong, except for exhaustion.

    I completely understand feeling that strong symptoms are an indication of a healthy pregnancy, but I hope it can help ease your fears somewhat to know that many, many women have had healthy pregnancies with few symptoms. It’s an anxious time, to be sure, but I hope you’ll be able to enjoy your time with your friend. *hugs*

  • Sorry you’re feeling a lot of anxiety right now. I know it has to be hard to be pregnant after a loss. Rest assured that strong symptoms do not ensure a lasting pregnancy and a lack of symptoms is not an immediate sign of doom. Enjoy your precious time with your friend and try not to worry. LOL at the supplement story!

  • Libby says:

    I have a nearly 5yr old son, then lost 3 little beginnings of lives before having my daughter, who’s nearly 6 months. The day I found out I was pregnant with her, I just knew she was going to be ok. Then I had some bleeding and I didn’t believe she would be ok until I was about 30 weeks. Hugs, we’re all right there with you. Here’s hoping everything’s ok, you have people all over willing it to be so!

  • Ah, I hate that you’re feeling this way. I hate that we, informed and educated as we are to all the things that go wrong, can’t even enjoy the early stages of pregnancy because we’re so gripped with fear. I wish you had that blissful ignorance of not worrying. I wish it so much. But for now I’ll echo what all have said above and say the symptoms do come and go and usually mean nothing. Rest easy and enjoy your friend. I have so much hope for you right now.

  • sarah says:

    I don’t know if it’s reassuring or liberating, but the waxing and waning of symptoms is how I – and I think many other women – experienced the first trimester. As terrifying and nerve wracking as it is, the ebb and flow is always going to be there, I think. I had days where no matter how hard I pounded my boobs (and oh did I pound), they didn’t hurt a bit, and others where putting on a bra was excruciating, just to name one symptom. Hope you had a lovely time with your friend and that you wake up tomorrow nauseated, sore, hormonal and with a burgeoning bump. You know, all proper and pregnant like.

  • katherinea12 says:

    Thinking of you – anxiety like that is such an awful feeling. Hoping as well for you.

    And the pill story…that’s really a good one :).

  • missymakes says:

    Oh my god – the progesterone/prenatal story just totally made me laugh out loud (at work – oops!). Not to worry, darlin’. I still feel absolutely normal and not pregnant at all, but I had my first scan today and I’m definitely still quite pregnant. Don’t give up on that baby!

  • bustedoven says:

    Awww, sweet friend, I wish I could take your anxiety and fear away. I have been sort of miraculously calm about my own pregnancy, but I don’t know how I’m doing it or else I would tell you. It doesn’t really feel in my control, just like I know you don’t want to feel anxious, but you probably can’t help it. I didn’t have any nausea at all until 6 weeks, and it hasn’t been horrible since then. Of course whenever I have moments of feeling REALLY good I think, “Uh oh, is this pregnancy going away?” But I have to remind myself that it’s probably fine. (And if it’s not fine, there’s nothing I can do one way or the other, anyway.)

    Sending you zen vibes, lady.

  • Stasy says:

    I’m sorry you’re scared right now (or yesterday at least) but it is normal for symptoms to come and go. If it helps, mine decided to disappear for a few days around week six or seven (and again around week nine) and then always come back, big time and I have a sleeping baby on my chest right now.

    Hang in there!

  • julieb79 says:

    Ditto to all of the above. It sucks to have symptoms and it sucks not to have symptoms. I had cramps in the beginning more so but still occasionally get them now. My nausea and boob pain comes and goes. Now that I’m in week 13 I can feel the nausea less and less and while I’m happy about that because the nausea was no fun, it also terrifies me. It’s half because of fear and half because of feeling like it’s not real. We don’t have the big bellies or the feeling of baby movement to reassure us yet, so the symptoms are all we have to go on. When I get anxious about the lack of symptoms I try to remind myself of the positive (I’m not cramping severely, not bleeding, I feel GOOD for fuck’s sake, enjoy it). Hang on there, Lentil – you can do this! One more week til you get to see your lil’ bean! It will be such a relief. Warning though – the anxiety will come back. Every time I’m within a couple days of an appointment, the fear comes back that there will be bad news. I’m sure most women feel this way. You just gotta push through.

  • I know exactly how you are feeling. I have had two loses in two years. Pregnancy is terrifying. I very much understand reading into what isn’t there. Keep your chin up!

    Oh, and by the way, mixing up your vitamin and suppository totally sounds like something a pregnant woman would do.

  • JustMe says:

    So, everyone’s already told you, so I’ll try not to repeat, but they are right. The symptoms don’t mean crap. Really they don’t. There’s nothing to show that symptoms predict to strong pregnancies or vice versa. Your body will handle this is its own way. You are pregnant. The lack of symptoms doesn’t mean that you are not. You ARE.

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