April 24, 2014 § 43 Comments

I have nine week old twins.

This will be brief, but I need something to break the silence. I do this weird thing where I insist on putting things in order. If I haven’t told you about the birth story yet, I can’t possibly tell you about the NICU. Or having two newborns at home. Or postpartum anxiety. Or tandem breastfeeding woes. Or August’s birth anomalies. Or all of the tears of fatigue, worry, overwhelmed-ness, loss, and bliss that I have cried over the last two months. Or my incredible, chest-wrenching, throat closing love for these two tiny humans.

I need to break the silence, though, because if I don’t, things will just keep adding up, and I’ll feel so far behind that I will never write again. So that is what this post is. And nothing else (I’m sorry.. it seems I’m always sorry these days). I simply don’t have the time at the moment. In the brief periods they are both asleep, I have a dissertation to work on, a move (in five short OMFG weeks) to prepare for, lunch to eat, a shower to run, a million loads of tiny, spit-up soaked clothes to wash.

The birth story is about 7 pages long and currently unfinished. I will need to edit like mad before any of you might show any interest in reading it. It will come in time.

For now I will say that things are really tough. Really really tough. Everyone is healthy, and we are surviving, and I feel so blessed and full of bright blinding joy. But. That joy is accompanied by many other things.

Remember that post about how people with twins keep saying they wouldn’t choose twins if they had a say in the matter?

Yeah. I get it now. I think I would prefer to have my children one at a time.

So here I am. Back. Alive. In love. Thankful beyond belief. Sputtering and coughing and choking as I resurface.

Where Am I?

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