Resurfacing

April 24, 2014 § 43 Comments

I have nine week old twins.

This will be brief, but I need something to break the silence. I do this weird thing where I insist on putting things in order. If I haven’t told you about the birth story yet, I can’t possibly tell you about the NICU. Or having two newborns at home. Or postpartum anxiety. Or tandem breastfeeding woes. Or August’s birth anomalies. Or all of the tears of fatigue, worry, overwhelmed-ness, loss, and bliss that I have cried over the last two months. Or my incredible, chest-wrenching, throat closing love for these two tiny humans.

I need to break the silence, though, because if I don’t, things will just keep adding up, and I’ll feel so far behind that I will never write again. So that is what this post is. And nothing else (I’m sorry.. it seems I’m always sorry these days). I simply don’t have the time at the moment. In the brief periods they are both asleep, I have a dissertation to work on, a move (in five short OMFG weeks) to prepare for, lunch to eat, a shower to run, a million loads of tiny, spit-up soaked clothes to wash.

The birth story is about 7 pages long and currently unfinished. I will need to edit like mad before any of you might show any interest in reading it. It will come in time.

For now I will say that things are really tough. Really really tough. Everyone is healthy, and we are surviving, and I feel so blessed and full of bright blinding joy. But. That joy is accompanied by many other things.

Remember that post about how people with twins keep saying they wouldn’t choose twins if they had a say in the matter?

Yeah. I get it now. I think I would prefer to have my children one at a time.

So here I am. Back. Alive. In love. Thankful beyond belief. Sputtering and coughing and choking as I resurface.

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§ 43 Responses to Resurfacing

  • Gypsy Mama says:

    I’ve been wondering how things were going for you. I am so glad to hear an update and I’m looking forward to reading all your stories when you get a chance.

  • J o s e y says:

    So good to hear from you lady. I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed, but this is just a stage… and it will get easier, I promise. Hang in there Mama, write when you can, and don’t apologize for being stretched too thin to do so right now. You’ve got this!

  • Steph Mignon says:

    Yay! So happy to see a post from you. I can’t believe it has been 9 weeks since you had them…. wow! As I struggle along with Daphne, my week old newborn, I can only imagine the stress of having two babies to nurse, clothe, and change. Girl I bet you are exhausted time 50! But that love you are talking about? I know exactly what you mean. Every injection, bfn, and now spit up down my shirt is exactly as they say, totally worth it.

  • K, Twin Mom says:

    Hey!! Congratulations! I am the same way with wanting things in order. That’s why mine are 7 months now and I haven’t posted anything good lol.

  • Jules says:

    I am so happy to hear all are healthy! I’ve been checking for updates. : ) And your description of the crazy early months’ roller coaster of emotions is spot on- and I imagine 100 fold with twins. Thanks for taking the time to write a note- good luck with your move!

  • Jenn says:

    Thanks for taking the time to update us all. Glad to hear everyone’s well! Been thinking about you all. Many hugs!

  • Amanda says:

    I’ve been thinking of you! Glad to see you’re resurfaced and that everyone is healthy! Can’t wait for the birth story. And keep your head up, I’m sure you’re doing great.

  • jebhow515 says:

    One day this will be a distant memory and as your 2 1/2 year olds are playing in their room while you listen on….it will all be worth it! (Even though this seems like millions eons from now). Can’t wait to hear all about life and birth. Take your time and take care of yourself. We can wait. 🙂

  • Just hang in there. It WILL get easier! You’ll see improvements every month, even every week. You just have to look back to see how you’ve progressed. 🙂

  • Daryl says:

    I’ve been thinking of you. Glad you’re all home and healthy. The first weeks are definitely rough, I can only imagine how much more so with premie twins. I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can. And so are you.

  • Aramis says:

    I can’t even imagine what your life is like right now, but we’re just glad to hear that you guys are all doing well, considering.

  • josamarie says:

    I’ve been checking back so often on you, happy to see any update however brief! I finally got my 1 month old Max down for a nap, and listening to his little grunty squeaks, I can only just begin to imagine doubling the exhaustion and joy I feel in an attempt to walk a step in your shoes!

    Even if it feels like you’re just treading water, you’re keeping your head above the surface, and that’s definitely something to be proud of… It means you’re still swimming! Can’t wait to read more updates when things calm down and you have some time to get it all out!

  • Hey – just sending my love. I will read your birth story now or 5 years from now, so don’t pressure yourself too much (though I totally understand how burning the desire must be to get.it.down).

    More importantly – we’ll all be here for you day to day – even if it’s just a sentence, a picture or an SOS.

    I can only imagine how hard this must be and I can totally get that 2 babies must be the scariest thing ever — so use us to make sure you take the time to take care of you!

  • Bookwormmommy says:

    Lentil-I love that you took time to update us. My baby boy is eight weeks this Sunday and I can’t imagine how exhausted I would be if there were two of him so don’t be sorry! You are clearly a rock star if you are getting even a third of that list done. I hope you give yourself some grace. Good luck resurfacing. When you have time we will be here ready to read! Much live to your family.

  • Amanda says:

    I have been thinking of you. I also had postpartum anxiety / panic attacks where I thought I was choking (my throat felt like it was going to close), while our little one was still at the NICU.
    I will be thinking of you and your family, sending you all the love and the strength.

  • Wonder Womb says:

    So glad to hear everyone is healthy and home. My twins will be 4 weeks on Monday and I can’t believe how much they’ve changed already!!! I know it’s tough with twins, if there’s any tips I can pass on to help with anything, please let me know. I joined a mother of twins club back in November and have gotten lots of helpful hints from them that I’m happy to pass on as well. Good luck!!!!!!

  • notpregnantandpissed says:

    So glad to get an update!! I’m sorry shits so rough but I’m guessing that’s how it goes with twins. I hope things will settle down and you can establish a routine that keeps your head above water! I can’t believe they are already 9 weeks old! I hope they are both thriving and happy Lil babes…I can’t wait to hear the whole birth story and more updates!

  • Zoe says:

    So happy to hear from you! No advice, just happy that, in spite of it all, you’re all healthy and happy (and I mean happy in the big sense, not in the Ihaven’tsleptinweeks sense). Can’t wait to hear what you have to say next. I don’t have twins, but I do have to believe it will start getting better!

  • Sunny says:

    do what you have to do to get through and please don’t stress about the updating! I only had one newborn, and my blogging went to hell. The moments you’re not feeding, changing, or shushing, you’re basically trying to maintain sanity, and I absolutely cannot fathom how you do that with tandem breast feeding and the needs of twins. Absolutely awe inspiring! So glad you poked your head in to let us know you’re alive!

  • I’ve been anxiously awaiting an update from your lovely self! Sorry to hear that you’re overwhelmed, but of course thrilled to hear that everyone is healthy. Also, I’ll gladly sign up to read the 7 page birth story … but one small request, if you don’t mind, some photos of your beautiful twins? No pressure, of course. When you get to it, we will be here!

  • Amber says:

    So glad to hear from you and that all is well, despite the craziness of twins! Mine just turned 4 months and while it is still a challenge, I can also honestly tell you it is Sooooooooooo much easier than those first few months. It is definitely not easy, that is for sure, but I also wouldn’t change it because they are the loves of our lives. I ditto the comment about reading your 7 page story. I would love to read your birth story, about your time in the NICU, and all that jazz. I’m also just happy to read this little update 🙂 Hang in there Momma!

  • katherinea12 says:

    Glad to hear an update and glad that everyone is home and hanging in there. Hope the move goes well and hoping things start to get a little easier soon.

  • Thank you for the update! It is OK for things to be tough. Don’t be guilty. 🙂 I have to say that even if you won’t believe me. But thank you popping up to the surface to update – been wondering how it’s going.

  • Very happy for you and the twins. I would be surprised to hear anyone say that newborn twins are a walk in the park, so I think you are doing just. Don’t be afraid to focus on the priorities, and don’t give yourself a hard time for doing so. thanks for the update!

  • Libby says:

    Hello! Welcome back to the no-longer-normal world (because it’ll never be the same again). It took me a good 6 weeks to surface after my son (first child) was born, so I’m going to guess that 9 weeks for twins, with one of them not being well, is about normal. Hang on in there, it’ll get better, I promise. My BF is waiting to find out if they have twins on board following IVF and she shares your belief that it might be better one at a time, but still wanting to get two at the same time… Much virtual hugs!

  • JustMe says:

    Thank you for updating us. I understand how hard it can be (x2 for you) to check in. I hope everyone is doing ok. Stay strong!

  • JenS says:

    You are working on a dissertation while taking care of newborn twins? You are my hero. I sometimes feel like I barely made it through those first few months. I was lucky to shower most days (and usually I didn’t). Those days are a total blur at this point.
    So good to hear from you again. Looking forward to the full story.

  • 2dognite says:

    I have felt all the things you describe in the 3.5 weeks I’ve been a mom. Twins is undoubtedly harder and the challenge is surely magnified, but the emotions and work are the same. It is a crazy cake of love, terror, exhaustion, heartache, nostalgia and god knows what else.
    Breastfeeding is hard work for all two or three involved. I hope you’re getting the support you need with that (and are getting over the fact that your husband can’t lend a hand – I’m working on that).

    My doula half joked that the majority of fluid retention from pregnancy was shed in tears in the weeks and months that follow birth. A mom to 4 and doula to hundreds, I’m pretty sure she’s right.

    Feel free to email me personally to vent or just type “silent tears.” My email is on my blog.

  • Tara petersen says:

    You never fail to be honest and authentic. I love it! You are REAL! Thank you.

  • NatalieV says:

    Kudos to you, I couldn’t do it! I feel overwhelmed with one!

  • nonsequiturchica says:

    Yay for an update! Getting time to blog is super difficult with just one- I can only imagine how it is with 2! I hope that we do get to hear about the birth story even if you have to post it 7 pages long. 🙂 It sounds like despite everything that you having going on, you are surviving. That’s basically what you do for the first few months after giving birth anyways! Make sure to lean on any supports for help- family, friends, etc.

  • Theresa says:

    Twins are HARD at the beginning. Heck, twins are hard period. But, there are many times when I’ve been glad to have two at the same time. Post partum hormones and crazy breastfeeding doesn’t help either 🙂

  • kjames603 says:

    Twins are very hard! But so very special. I promise it gets easier. That first year is a tough one. Hang in there. And I can totally relate about the chest-wrenching, throat closing love. That NEVER goes away. 🙂

  • Flicka Mawa says:

    So glad to hear you and the babies are OK, albeit emotionally and physically exhausted. I wish I lived near you so I could offer my help! Hugs!

  • redbluebird says:

    Hi Lentil! I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying your babies. I can imagine how overwhelmed you are! While caring for my now 10 week old baby, I’ve thought many times how difficult multiples would be! I’ve also thought about single moms– they must be exhausted! The first six weeks were the hardest for me. I think it takes a while to get used to the parenting thing and to get to know your baby (babies). I hope things are a little less overwhelming at this point. I am sure you’re doing a great job. Look forward to hearing from you again!

  • gorillamums says:

    I think there should be an actual award for mums of twins. Well bloody done you! Looking forward to seeing your next update.

  • Sunny says:

    Thinking about you and your lovely babies! Hope all is well in mama land, baby land, and life land. xo!

  • Mrs B says:

    Was thinking about you the other day. Keen for an update. Hope you’re family is going well!

  • Just thinking of you. Hope all is well with you and the babies.

  • Kimberly says:

    Haven’t heard from you in ages! I hope you are all doing well!

  • I was just thinking about you and your little family – hope you are rocking the last year of school, and by rocking, I mean, getting by in a way that you are not ashamed of 🙂 it’s hard, and if things aren’t all sunshine and roses and time on your hands, I understand. just. i hope you are all well.

  • nickeecoco says:

    I was thinking of you today as well. Hope you’re doing okay.

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