Heavy sighs and burning eyes

March 26, 2013 § 29 Comments

You know when you are standing on a cliff overlooking a quarry or lake and you’re about to jump off and you just freeze? Because it’s so scary to let go of the ground with which you are so familiar. And because it’s terrifying to plunge yourself into the unknown.

That happened to me this morning. I had a beta scheduled for 7 am. The hope I had been feeling for about a week after ovulation had fizzled down to 0. As usual. What was not usual, though, was that I was feeling no emotion about it. I wouldn’t say I was ambivalent. I still wanted very badly to be pregnant. But I was kind of emotionally numb in my response to that wanting. It was bizarre and unlike me. I’m very much a feeler. Some might argue excessively so.

I typically test a day or two before the beta. But this cycle I had such a carefree, happy two week wait that I couldn’t bear to face what I knew was going to be on that stick. So I didn’t test. And I didn’t feel about trying to conceive. I busied myself with exercise, good food and wine (small amounts), trip planning, and quality time with the pooches and the Artsy Engineer. I did things that made me feel good and completely avoided things that didn’t (like my dissertation, which is now glaring at me from it’s minimized position on this computer screen).

And then today.

When it was time to leave for the clinic this morning, I just couldn’t get myself to go. I knew the beta would be negative. I’d been in such a state of ease. It had felt sooo sooo good and all the sudden I felt panic. It was going to end and I didn’t want it to end.

I ended up dragging myself into my clinic 15 minutes later than I should have. I even got there and sat in my car for awhile, screwing around on my phone, not even realizing I what I was doing – my subconscious desperately trying to maintain the status quo. Until that jolt. Lentil, hello? You’re already really late and you hate being late. Go inside.

And now here we are. Blood results are in. They are negative. Of course.

And here I am. Just as I thought I’d be. Crushed.*


*Even as I say this, I know it will be temporary. With every failed cycle, I have a shitty day (or maybe two). And then I move on to the next. Everything is transient (which is true and good). But right now in this moment it effing sucks.

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§ 29 Responses to Heavy sighs and burning eyes

  • Sadie says:

    So sorry my friend. It does suck and there’s no way around it. I hope that you can spend the coming days in continued pursuit of what makes you feel good, or at least better, and loved. You’re one cycle closer to the one that will work. Sending hugs.

  • JenS says:

    I’m so sorry

  • Sarah says:

    I’m sorry. It’s just awful.

  • Jenny says:

    I’m sorry. 😦

    Yes, it does get a bit better after a few days, but those first couple of days after a negative are always brutally hard to get through. Be gentle with yourself. *hugs*

  • Gypsy Mama says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry Lentil… I just wish we could have a crystal ball and know how many negative cycles we would have to get through before we finally got the news we’ve been dying to hear. I’m so sorry that you are crushed and I am sending you a big hug

  • Ugh, Lentil. I’m sorry. That is crappy news. Sending you hopes for renewal of spirit so that you can move on to the cycle that will work.

  • I’m so sorry.


  • redbluebird says:

    I’m so sorry. Take a little time to wallow in how much this sucks. But I hope you can quickly get back to that happy place you were before the beta & keep moving ahead. These negative emotions take so much out of us 😦

  • Hell yes, it sucks! I’m so sorry. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling now, even if it’s numbness. Sending you hugs…

  • Very sorry to read this 😦

    I hope you can take comfort and joy in your pups, trip planning and Artsy Engineer as you gear up for the next steps. Sending you good thoughts through the internet….

  • Kimberly says:

    Im so sorry. This sucks. Take the time to mourn, then back to distractions. Like more wine.

  • Arwen Rose says:

    Bugger am sorry my dear 😦

  • bustedoven says:

    Shit. I’m sorry, girl. Those first couple days really are the worst. I’m writing you an Rx for wine…

  • SM says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this, friend. Being prepared never makes it any easier to deal with. Sending hugs your way.

  • Aramis says:

    Sorry this wasn’t the one. I hate this whole cycle of hope and let down…it’s exhausting and you can’t really say anything other than it sucks. At least wine helps!

  • Stasy says:

    I’m so sorry. 😦

  • sarah says:

    So sorry, there’s no way around this – it sucks. Especially the first day. As much as we tell ourselves that THIS time we’re ready for it, as much as we emotionally build ourselves up, the negative is always devastating. Take time for some self-care, with intermittent wine and cookie binges, obviously.

  • Daryl says:

    I’m sorry. This just sucks.

  • I’m very sorry for your disappointment… those negative tests suck. Take care of yourself…

  • JustMe says:

    Even though it’s temporary, it’s a very real feeling. You deserve to acknowledge it. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with it. Hope you can take good care of yourself this week.

  • Kristin says:

    It sucks every time. Every single time. I’m sorry. I hope the pain passes in due time as you look to the next cycle.

  • Jane Allen says:

    So sorry thank you so much for sharing your well articulated feelings. Wishing you luck with your next steps

  • Amber says:

    As I was reading this, I was convinced I was reading your bfP story. It was like the air was let out of the balloon when I reached the end of the post, but I know it was much worse for you. I am so incredibly sorry for the disappointing beta results. Hang in there and try, try, try again. Actually, I kinda hope it only takes one more try!! Hugs.

  • YeahScience! says:

    Aw crap. This blows. As the first commenter said, you can try to view this as being one cycle closer to the one that will work, although I’m sure it’s difficult to feel that way right now. It’s also the worst when you’re between a negative beta and the first day of your period… at least when that arrives you can feel a bit of renewed hope for a fresh start. Also, not sure where you guys are at with this, but it may help at this point to really sit down and make a plan — do you feel like more tests would help? Is it worth doing IUIs? If so, how many? Once you and your hubby (and your doctor) determine a course of action, it might be easier when you get a BFN because you have your next step right in front of you. Just a thought. Something will work, eventually. It always does.

  • nickeecoco says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your result. How wonderful though that you were able to stay positive and carefree in the 2ww! Hopefully some of that optimism will return soon.

  • idioticinfertility says:

    I have been away from the computer for a few days, so I’m late in posting this. I’m sorry for your negative. It’s rough. And, once I just started crying right there in the chair where the woman was taking my blood. I think she thought I was one of those types who’s terrified of needles. How was I supposed to explain the last 2 years of infertility?

  • ladyblogalot says:

    Oh lentil, lady, I am sorry for you. But now a few days on… are you feeling a bit better? I agree that it’s one step closer. One shitty, awful step, but a step none the less.

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