Heavy sighs and burning eyes
March 26, 2013 § 29 Comments
You know when you are standing on a cliff overlooking a quarry or lake and you’re about to jump off and you just freeze? Because it’s so scary to let go of the ground with which you are so familiar. And because it’s terrifying to plunge yourself into the unknown.
That happened to me this morning. I had a beta scheduled for 7 am. The hope I had been feeling for about a week after ovulation had fizzled down to 0. As usual. What was not usual, though, was that I was feeling no emotion about it. I wouldn’t say I was ambivalent. I still wanted very badly to be pregnant. But I was kind of emotionally numb in my response to that wanting. It was bizarre and unlike me. I’m very much a feeler. Some might argue excessively so.
I typically test a day or two before the beta. But this cycle I had such a carefree, happy two week wait that I couldn’t bear to face what I knew was going to be on that stick. So I didn’t test. And I didn’t feel about trying to conceive. I busied myself with exercise, good food and wine (small amounts), trip planning, and quality time with the pooches and the Artsy Engineer. I did things that made me feel good and completely avoided things that didn’t (like my dissertation, which is now glaring at me from it’s minimized position on this computer screen).
And then today.
When it was time to leave for the clinic this morning, I just couldn’t get myself to go. I knew the beta would be negative. I’d been in such a state of ease. It had felt sooo sooo good and all the sudden I felt panic. It was going to end and I didn’t want it to end.
I ended up dragging myself into my clinic 15 minutes later than I should have. I even got there and sat in my car for awhile, screwing around on my phone, not even realizing I what I was doing – my subconscious desperately trying to maintain the status quo. Until that jolt. Lentil, hello? You’re already really late and you hate being late. Go inside.
And now here we are. Blood results are in. They are negative. Of course.
And here I am. Just as I thought I’d be. Crushed.*
*Even as I say this, I know it will be temporary. With every failed cycle, I have a shitty day (or maybe two). And then I move on to the next. Everything is transient (which is true and good). But right now in this moment it effing sucks.